Loving who I am today

Today as I chill in my free time, which has been nonexistent for the whole month of October, I thought about who I am, who I was, and who I want to be. 

Every day, I wake up thinking "I will just be Bri today," but something always  happens and my friend will say, "ooo now where you going Shirley?"  Or if I am seen doing a dance that looks like a twerk in the slightest way and I am wearing a wig I am known as "lil Kim".  On the other hand, if I am talking about my homemade jelly and jam I am referred to simply as "Kathy". Now you may wonder what this has to do with anything. 

Sometimes I wonder that too, truthfully. But that's just who I am I guess. At least those closest to me know those good sides of me and most importantly the reasons why I am who I am. If you know me, you know I own the fact that I may have what they call an old soul, and that I don't try to fit any one mold society has set for young black women. If I want to knit, I'm gonna knit a scarf one day, sing a song, then dance to a "rachet" song afterwards, don't I deserve the right to do so?

So for the readers, just have fun and be yourself. You will regret not doing that because no one else will do it for you. 

Answered Prayers

I woke up this morning, maybe from a dream, thinking about something that I wanted. Thing is, as soon as I set my feet on the floor, that thing had fleeted from my mind.

The past twenty four hours have left me with an array of emotions including fear, anxiety, curiosity, and happiness. This morning, I am thinking: why am I not satisfied with everything that I have. I should not want for anything, right?

I realize now that everytime I pray to God for something, to keep me safe, to help me reach my ambitions, that those prayers have already been answered. How can I pray that I make a profound impact on lives when I am overlooking what I have already accomplished? Truth is, we always want more, not remembering that God really doesn't put more in us than we can bear. That means that at a given time, He is simply preparing you what whatever load you are to carry in His will. 

For those who don't know

For those that don't read this, I know it's gonna be weird for those that actually do. I feel like I am at a place where I am forcing myself to make changes, some of which you may not like. Leaving some childish things and people behind is proving to be beneficial to me, so I am just passing these words along. 

I want to encourage whoever sees this to just be yourself. The only person you have to prove anything to is yourself. You don't have to wait on those around you for recognition or acknowledgement on how you live your life if you are doing what is right. 

Pushing Forward

A string of events that seem to be all independent of each other suddenly fit together, working to complete this puzzle I've been trying to figure out.  

I realize what it means to separate yourself from people and situations and forget about the consequences for a second and seek God. Truly seek him and listen to what he is saying to your heart. Sometimes it's a whisper. My answer, I feel is coming in stages. Each time I get a new test and I hear the voice more clearly each time.

When I was diagnosed with cancer, I was sixteen years old and in high school. I didn't know what it meant to take care of myself. I didn't know what friends would stick around once they knew. I didn't think about where I would be in four or five years. I just wanted to be me. I just wanted people to know I was still the same person. 

Now, over four years later, it's like I've been given another test with the same questions on it, but this time I was away from home, with new friends, and two obvious options: take care of myself and finish the education I was afforded, or feel sorry for myself and give up. The later would have meant proving so many things said to be true. But I chose to PUSH FORWARD 

I have opened myself up to see where improvements need to be made and because of this I am still here.  I am constantly reminding myself that without God, I simply would not be alive. Point Blank Period.

Choice of Words

This one of the things I am working on. It seems as though I waste a lot of breath talking and saying things out loud that don't mean a thing. That a long statement for: I RAMBLE!!!!

When I am around friends, or anybody I am comfortable with, I Ramble. 

So if anyone that reads this blog and notices that I am rambling in a post, please comment and let me know. Thanks

Part Two: Not My Identity

Letting go was easy....
of my hair I mean. I have been questioned about my hair for as long as I can remember. It was always about the color or the length. Asking a mother if her three-year old's hair is its natural color is one of the stories that comes to mind. Truth is, I never thought much about it then and I sure didn't feel attached when my doctor told me there was the strong possibility I would lose it all due to chemotherapy.
Right then and there, I shut out all of the horror stories of hair loss out of my head and decided that if it did or didn't come out would not and should not matter if it meant that I was going to be healed.

Here I am around 2008:

This was my first haircut. Courtesy of dad.

September 2009

Part One

I feel like it is time for me to share part of my life, in my own words, my own way. This is only the beginning.

Summer 2009

I was invincible. Nothing could top the way things were going in my life. I was getting ready to spread my wings and take flight. Then something happened. It was like the wind had been knocked out of me and I couldn't breathe. Literally.

This is how I felt a little over four years ago around the end of the summer. I was 16 years old having the time of my life. I had done everything a summer could consist of: be a junior camp counselor, go to vacation bible school at church, go to Hawaii, fireworks on the Fourth of July, and a trip to Grandma's. The icing on the cake would be to go shopping for school supplies. Yes, at that age I still got overly excited about back to school shopping!

The funny thing about this time was that something was happening that I was choosing to ignore. In my mind, I was turning a new leaf by transitioning my hair back to its natural state, and also losing weight for all the right reasons. What I thought was wrong. Little did I know, by the time the first day of school came around, I would be in a totally different place, mentally, physically, and emotionally. 

Follow Your Own Advice

I may be wrong, and I hope I am, but recently, I get the feeling that someone wants me to prove that I am worthy of my blessings. Now lets be real: we are all unworthy of the many blessings that The Lord bestows upon us, so why should this one person placing his/her expectations on me bother me? 

Truth is: I AM HUMAN

After making it through what I am going to call my Big Event, why should I care what anybody thinks I have to prove other than the fact that I am a regular college student experiencing the universal struggle that goes with it, and also trying to be a better me, the me that's pleasing to God's eyes?

Why should it matter what someone thinks I should have, or when they think I should have it? 

Although it seems that I have everything I want, I do not have everything I want in this life.( that's a post on its own) and I'm sure most people my age and even those older have some goals and aspirations that they have yet to accomplish. 

Nevertheless, I am hoping that I am able to follow this advice that I am about to give, hoping that it is in that ray of light about to shine upon my current situation: don't let other people's expectations of you get in the way of what you are working towards in your life. Don't let what a parent, grandparent, or best friend says in negativity slow you down. Let that drive your ambition further. If there is anything to prove, it's to prove them all wrong. This does not mean you are being selfish or stubborn. It just means you are seeking God's purpose, not your parent's, best friend's, or any other benefactor you have here on earth. 

If you know that God has good things planned for you and you are seeking that faithfully, then I am positive that he will clearly direct your footsteps on that path. Don't look back... Just keep walking forward!!

One of the Best Summers!!

I feel I must acknowledge this past summer as one of the best that I can remember in a while since 2009. I know four years seems like a short time, but for me it feels like it went by in slow motion. But this summer, everything felt like it was moving in a good direction for me. Not as fast-paced as I am used to, but filled with a variety of productive things: a paying job, cooking, and singing.

Being able to spend the summer away from school gave me the motivation I needed to push forward and reminded me of all of things I want to do and accomplish in my life. It made me remember that I must speak good things into existence, while still praying to God daily. It reminded me that I have been blessed in so many ways despite all of the challenges and roadblocks that have been placed. It reminded me that taking a detour meant I was able to connect to others in a way that's still inexplicable to me. I saw people I haven't seen in years and it was like no time had passed at all. 

I have to say that all of this makes me feel like I have a fresh start with everything. Old things have passed away and everything is new. Every moment I am given I will spend like I spent my summer: being a positive force and just being me. ✌

Work in Progress

Today, something my grandmother asked me as I talked to her before I head off for school makes me want to evaluate my plans for the future, which seem to always be a work in progress. When I say that I am ready to be back on my college campus, I mean just that: I am ready to go! Not to say that I haven't  had a wonderful and blessed summer. But apparently I implied that I do not like Jackson, MS. 

Well, that is not true at all. I love my hometown for what it is and for what I am hoping that it will be based on all of the new things being added to make our city more beautiful. Of course, all of us who live in Jackson know what state we are in right now, though: it could be better. But after all the talk and all the elections of city officials, when are we going to face the music and just get up and DO SOMETHING?  My granny tells me that it seems like the up and coming young people go away to college and get fancy degrees, only to just come back home to visit. She hopes that I will not become part of that number. So...now, I think I will add that to my plan: How can I contribute to the city of Jackson and pursue my dreams at the same time.

P.S.

"Map out your future,but do it in pencil."-Jon Bon Jovi

I missed a Holiday!

International Friendship Day was July 30. Cant believe I missed it! Well the next Friendship Day is August 4.😎
Lately, friendship has been on my mind.
Ok. So I have been blessed with a number of friends that I consider to be true in the way they were meant to be friends to me and I to them.  There are some that I can expect to call me out if I'm wrong.  Some who sat with me in hospital rooms. Some were just there to laugh and talk, most of time giving me an important life lesson to learn from. But what is one to really do when it's time to just face the fact that what was once perceived a friendship is dwindling away? What if that person has been with you on this roller coaster of life through all of those times you were hanging on for dear life? And what is that one thing that makes it ok to just walk away? These are questions that may be plaguing someone. 
Are friendships included on that list for "spring cleaning"? And after you've said "out with the old, in with the new", could you ever be friends with that person again? Are friendships not a two-way street?
I'm flooding this post with these questions, but that is only to say that I do believe some friendships will be seasonal and some timeless. So just keep on thinking about what Jesus would do in your particular situation and remember that he is the best friend we will ever have.  Also, know that tomorrow is not promised to anyone so... Don't wait until the next friendship day rolls around to acknowledge your friends.

Here's a pic:one with some friends!

GOD IS L. O. V. E.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. (1 Corinthians 13:4-13 NIV)

Blondies in a Jar

I will start off by saying that not often do I bake deserts. Sure... My love for cooking did start years ago with a batch of cupcakes for an elementary school party, but that was probably just a box of cake mix. I have since moved on to cookbooks and making my own variations on recipes. Who knows! Maybe I will be a master chef one day. Who's to say I can't? For now, here's a peak at what I've been up to since yesterday.

The jar is probably a gift for someone. Hopefully they have a sweet tooth!

Journal Entry Worth Sharing

January 18, 2012

So... Is being in a relationship that you have no passion for worth it? Being a friend, acquaintance, parent, business partner, or significant other?

Is it worth it for me? Well...

July 29, 2013

I'm still trying to figure that one out, honestly. The whole "love thy neighbor" thing is getting easier as I get closer to my destiny, though. 

Seeing the best in a seemingly commonplace day

Today was just an ordinary day. 

Or that's what I thought I wanted it to be. 

But after a few minutes with my mom and a good trip to the doctor's office: one where they don't tell you any bad news, and a visit with friends of the family, I saw that this day and all others are unique and a blessing in their own right. Being able to come home and type these few words is a blessing. I know that I should not take any of this for granted. 

I hope that others realize this as well. 

Today as I make my daily Facebook page scroll, I see that I am an influence to a younger generation in one way or another.

An 11 year-old girl takes a jar of jelly that I made and what does she do with it?

She makes a jelly cake!!!

Now me being me, I still have to ask what an 11 year old in 2013 knows about a jelly cake. 

In the end all I can say is: 

If life gives you lemons, make lemonade

If life gives you cucumbers make a pickle

And if life gives you jelly...

It always makes me smile.

I can't wait until these guys meet their other counterparts that are currently lost in storage. Since I first fell in love with Kitty White ie. Hello Kitty... I can't seem to shake her. It started with a letter from a cousin written on Hello Kitty Stationary. Now I am collecting beanie babies and wearing watches and know random facts. She just makes me smile like that. No matter how old I get. 

Another random stream of thoughts

Ok. So I woke up this morning thinking: I spent the greater half of my childhood with one set of standards and etiquette and then spent my teen years in a new millinium trying to adjust to fast paced methods of communication and technology.

My earliest memories include: singing Whitney Houston songs to a karaoke machine, listening to Mariah Carey and Boyz II Men on cassette tapes ( I wasn't allowed to have a radio yet), and writing letters to a cousin who lived out of state.

Now, I can't stay off of Facebook for longer than eight hours. I refuse to say anything on Twitter. I deleted the account when I thought it would be a flop. (Guess I was wrong, huh?) I know that Jackson  being the largest city in Mississippi isn't saying much, so why is social media the only way I can keep up when I'm home for three months?

Entering the third decade of my life... I must say that I almost feel as old as my nickname on my college campus suggests. But it's not because my hobbies include reading, knitting, and preserving summer fruits, but because maybe I can't wrap my mind around the fact that people don't think it's cool to take time to dial a person's number and place the receiver to your ear and talk( using your vocal chord to form words) in case you forgot..now the only people I actually speak to on phones are family and bill collectors.

Can someone tell me that we are not permanently moving into a world where everything is impersonal? And if it happens to be so, I hope some good will continue to live in this world.

Lord. Let me just make it through the next Hour

People are always asking me what I want to do with a college degree, or even what I want to do for the weekend. But today all I can truly answer with is: "I'm just trying to make it through the next hour."
I'm sure we all have moments in life when we don't want to think any further into the future than we absolutely have to. And today that's where I am. I know that if God is withe and guides me through the next hour and the next day, then he will lead me where he wants me to go in the future he has planned for me.