For those who don't know

For those that don't read this, I know it's gonna be weird for those that actually do. I feel like I am at a place where I am forcing myself to make changes, some of which you may not like. Leaving some childish things and people behind is proving to be beneficial to me, so I am just passing these words along. 

I want to encourage whoever sees this to just be yourself. The only person you have to prove anything to is yourself. You don't have to wait on those around you for recognition or acknowledgement on how you live your life if you are doing what is right. 

Pushing Forward

A string of events that seem to be all independent of each other suddenly fit together, working to complete this puzzle I've been trying to figure out.  

I realize what it means to separate yourself from people and situations and forget about the consequences for a second and seek God. Truly seek him and listen to what he is saying to your heart. Sometimes it's a whisper. My answer, I feel is coming in stages. Each time I get a new test and I hear the voice more clearly each time.

When I was diagnosed with cancer, I was sixteen years old and in high school. I didn't know what it meant to take care of myself. I didn't know what friends would stick around once they knew. I didn't think about where I would be in four or five years. I just wanted to be me. I just wanted people to know I was still the same person. 

Now, over four years later, it's like I've been given another test with the same questions on it, but this time I was away from home, with new friends, and two obvious options: take care of myself and finish the education I was afforded, or feel sorry for myself and give up. The later would have meant proving so many things said to be true. But I chose to PUSH FORWARD 

I have opened myself up to see where improvements need to be made and because of this I am still here.  I am constantly reminding myself that without God, I simply would not be alive. Point Blank Period.

Choice of Words

This one of the things I am working on. It seems as though I waste a lot of breath talking and saying things out loud that don't mean a thing. That a long statement for: I RAMBLE!!!!

When I am around friends, or anybody I am comfortable with, I Ramble. 

So if anyone that reads this blog and notices that I am rambling in a post, please comment and let me know. Thanks

Part Two: Not My Identity

Letting go was easy....
of my hair I mean. I have been questioned about my hair for as long as I can remember. It was always about the color or the length. Asking a mother if her three-year old's hair is its natural color is one of the stories that comes to mind. Truth is, I never thought much about it then and I sure didn't feel attached when my doctor told me there was the strong possibility I would lose it all due to chemotherapy.
Right then and there, I shut out all of the horror stories of hair loss out of my head and decided that if it did or didn't come out would not and should not matter if it meant that I was going to be healed.

Here I am around 2008:

This was my first haircut. Courtesy of dad.

September 2009

Part One

I feel like it is time for me to share part of my life, in my own words, my own way. This is only the beginning.

Summer 2009

I was invincible. Nothing could top the way things were going in my life. I was getting ready to spread my wings and take flight. Then something happened. It was like the wind had been knocked out of me and I couldn't breathe. Literally.

This is how I felt a little over four years ago around the end of the summer. I was 16 years old having the time of my life. I had done everything a summer could consist of: be a junior camp counselor, go to vacation bible school at church, go to Hawaii, fireworks on the Fourth of July, and a trip to Grandma's. The icing on the cake would be to go shopping for school supplies. Yes, at that age I still got overly excited about back to school shopping!

The funny thing about this time was that something was happening that I was choosing to ignore. In my mind, I was turning a new leaf by transitioning my hair back to its natural state, and also losing weight for all the right reasons. What I thought was wrong. Little did I know, by the time the first day of school came around, I would be in a totally different place, mentally, physically, and emotionally. 

Follow Your Own Advice

I may be wrong, and I hope I am, but recently, I get the feeling that someone wants me to prove that I am worthy of my blessings. Now lets be real: we are all unworthy of the many blessings that The Lord bestows upon us, so why should this one person placing his/her expectations on me bother me? 

Truth is: I AM HUMAN

After making it through what I am going to call my Big Event, why should I care what anybody thinks I have to prove other than the fact that I am a regular college student experiencing the universal struggle that goes with it, and also trying to be a better me, the me that's pleasing to God's eyes?

Why should it matter what someone thinks I should have, or when they think I should have it? 

Although it seems that I have everything I want, I do not have everything I want in this life.( that's a post on its own) and I'm sure most people my age and even those older have some goals and aspirations that they have yet to accomplish. 

Nevertheless, I am hoping that I am able to follow this advice that I am about to give, hoping that it is in that ray of light about to shine upon my current situation: don't let other people's expectations of you get in the way of what you are working towards in your life. Don't let what a parent, grandparent, or best friend says in negativity slow you down. Let that drive your ambition further. If there is anything to prove, it's to prove them all wrong. This does not mean you are being selfish or stubborn. It just means you are seeking God's purpose, not your parent's, best friend's, or any other benefactor you have here on earth. 

If you know that God has good things planned for you and you are seeking that faithfully, then I am positive that he will clearly direct your footsteps on that path. Don't look back... Just keep walking forward!!

One of the Best Summers!!

I feel I must acknowledge this past summer as one of the best that I can remember in a while since 2009. I know four years seems like a short time, but for me it feels like it went by in slow motion. But this summer, everything felt like it was moving in a good direction for me. Not as fast-paced as I am used to, but filled with a variety of productive things: a paying job, cooking, and singing.

Being able to spend the summer away from school gave me the motivation I needed to push forward and reminded me of all of things I want to do and accomplish in my life. It made me remember that I must speak good things into existence, while still praying to God daily. It reminded me that I have been blessed in so many ways despite all of the challenges and roadblocks that have been placed. It reminded me that taking a detour meant I was able to connect to others in a way that's still inexplicable to me. I saw people I haven't seen in years and it was like no time had passed at all. 

I have to say that all of this makes me feel like I have a fresh start with everything. Old things have passed away and everything is new. Every moment I am given I will spend like I spent my summer: being a positive force and just being me. ✌